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Erotic-massage, it’s a proper cheeky art, innit? Not just some tarted-up spa day – nah, it’s old as balls. Ancient Greeks were at it, slappin’ oil on blokes before they wrestled – bit of a homoerotic knead, if you ask me. Bet they didn’t moan about it though, bunch of tough sods. Fast forward, now it’s all “tantric this” and “sensual that” – makes me wanna gag, but also, sign me up, yeah?

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I finally pulled myself together and headed over to the Yorii Station. I needed to catch a train to Saitama. But of course, the train was late. Classic. I was standing there, tapping my foot, when this old dude next to me starts chatting. He’s all like, “You know, back in my day…” and I’m just nodding, trying to be polite. But inside, I’m screaming, “I don’t have time for your life story, man!”

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