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Oi, mate, you reckon I’m a Forester? Nah, I’m Ricky bloody Gervais, cackling at this daft erotic-massage bollocks! Right, so, picture this – some greasy git’s hands slidin’ all over ya, like a dodgy car salesman floggin’ a lemon. Makes me skin crawl, it does! But alright, let’s dive in, coz I’ve got opinions, and you’re gonna hear ‘em.

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But then, this cute girl walks by. She’s got this bright smile, and I’m like, “Whoa, what’s her name?” I forget all about the charcoal disaster. She’s on her phone, probably texting her friends or whatever. I’m just standing there, like a total dork.