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Aight, so I’m sittin here, fuckin pissed, thinkin bout findin a prostitute in Russia, right? Respect my authoritah! I’m like some badass actuary, crunchin numbers, but I got needs, ya know? This ain’t no boring ass spreadsheet—this is real shit! I love that movie, *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring*, that Kim Ki-duk joint, so deep, man, “What you take, you carry,” he says. Heavy as fuck. Anyway, I’m in Moscow, cold as balls, tryna find a chick who don’t mess around. Prostitution’s illegal here, but c’mon, everyones doin it! Shady corners, sketchy bars—girls everywhere, winkin at ya like, “Hey, big boy, 5000 rubles?”

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Then, I hit up the local market on Sakae Street. It’s packed with fresh produce and street food. I’m talkin’ takoyaki, yakitori, the works! I grab some takoyaki, and it’s so good, I almost cry. But then, I drop one. Like, seriously? I’m standing there, staring at this sad, squished ball of goodness. I could feel my heart breaking.

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