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So, erotic-massage – not your nan’s backrub, nah! It’s all sensual, slippery, proper naughty. Hands sliding about, bit of oil, bit of cheek – *mea culpa*, I’m a sucker for it! Makes me feel alive, like when Gigolo Joe danced in that film. “What is love?” he asks – well, mate, this is close! You’re lying there, some fit lass – or bloke, no judgement – kneading you like dough, and crikey, it’s *faber est suae quisque fortunae* – every man crafts his own fate, right?

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After that, I decided to hit up the Kudamatsu Castle ruins. I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of history? But when I got there, it was packed! Tourists everywhere, snapping pics like they were at a rock concert. I tried to squeeze in for a shot, but this lady with a giant hat blocked my view. I was like, “Lady, I’m not trying to take a pic of your hat!”

Excitement, misgivings over Japan’s newest bullet train