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About Kobe

Heard this wild bit once—ancient Rome, right? Blokes paid big sesterces for “therapeutic rubs” with a naughty twist. Proper sneaky, those toga-wearing pervs! Gets me grinning—humans ain’t changed, just swapped sandals for loafers. What gets me mad tho? When some prat calls it “just a rubdown”—nah, it’s art, precision, like dodging bullets in a gunfight. Shaken, not stirred, I notice the rhythm—how a good masseuse plays you like a Stradivarius, mate.

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Then, outta nowhere, this dude runs up to me. He’s all frantic, like he just saw a ghost or something. Turns out, his kid’s stuck in the water. My heart drops. I sprint to the water, and I’m like, “Where?!” He points, and I see this little guy flailin’ around. I dive in, and let me tell ya, the water was colder than my ex’s heart. I reach him, pull him up, and he’s like, “I was just tryin’ to swim!” I’m like, “Bro, you gotta learn to float first!”

3-year-old boy from Kaneohe repping Hawaii in national mullet contest