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Fun fact—didja know some escorts got codenames? Swear to God, I saw this post—girl called herself “Velvet Hammer.” Velvet Hammer! That’s badass! Sounds like a superhero—or a dessert Remy’d whip up. “Ooh, a hint of danger, a touch of sweet!” I’d hire her just for the name, but then I’d freak out—what if she’s late? What if she judges my socks? I’m a mess, man, a total mess.

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Then, outta nowhere, this dude runs up to me. He’s all frantic, like he just saw a ghost or something. Turns out, his kid’s stuck in the water. My heart drops. I sprint to the water, and I’m like, “Where?!” He points, and I see this little guy flailin’ around. I dive in, and let me tell ya, the water was colder than my ex’s heart. I reach him, pull him up, and he’s like, “I was just tryin’ to swim!” I’m like, “Bro, you gotta learn to float first!”

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