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Aight, listen up, ya friggin' morons! I’m Eric Cartman, from Hawaii, bitches, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! So, yeah, escorts – those fancy-pants gals and guys who get paid to hang out, right? Like, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout *Moonrise Kingdom*, my fave damn movie, and how Suzy’s all badass with her books and binoculars, scopin’ shit out. Escorts are kinda like that – they scope YOU out, but with more, uh, *servicin’*. Heh, sweet!

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After that, I needed some caffeine. Hit up my favorite café on Yūbinkyoku-dōri. The barista, Aiko, is super chill. I ordered a latte, and she gave me a free cookie. I was like, “Ayo, you’re the real MVP!” That cookie was bomb, by the way. But then, I spilled half my latte on my shirt. Classic me, right? I looked like I just survived a food fight.