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So, picture this—me, fish-stink Gollum, hearin’ bout these parlors, right? Down by the docks, salty air, some lass with strong hands offers a “rub-down.” Not just shoulders, no no, it’s *sexual-massage*, sneaky-like! Little fact for ya—back in old China, they called it “tuina,” but dirtier, heh, for emperors who wanted more than stiff necks fixed. Me? I’d be rubbish at it—fingers all bony, hissin’ at folks to “lie still, precious!” Hah! Imagine that, me kneadinn’ some bloke’s back, mutterin’, “My hands… they hurt…”

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But then, just when I think it’s smooth sailing, Karen’s back. She’s like, “I want my drink fixed!” I’m like, “Lady, it’s dark! I can’t see!” But she’s relentless. I finally just give her a shot of rum and say, “Here, this’ll fix ya!” She takes it and, surprise, surprise, she’s suddenly all smiles.

Man shot dead in Ocho Rios