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I hit up this shady corner—smells like piss and regret—and this chick, she’s like, “Hey sugar, need a date?” I’m sweatin bullets, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in mud, but also pissed! Why’s it gotta be so sketchy? “You’re too tense,” she says, and I’m like, “Lady, I balance books for a livin!” Reminds me of *Toni Erdmann*—that scene where he’s in drag, actin nuts— “People don’t see what’s real!” I’m thinkin, she don’t see I’m a nervous wreck!

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Anyway, I’m setting up my stuff, and outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and lands right on my shoulder. Like, what the heck? I’m not a statue! I freak out, flail my arms, and the pigeon just looks at me like, “What’s your problem, human?” I laugh it off, but man, I was ready to throw my coffee at it.

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