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Here’s the deal tho—findin’ a prostitute ain’t like orderin’ pizza. You don’t just Yelp “best booty near me.” Nah, it’s all coded—like “roses” for bucks, or “companionship” wink-wink. I’m sittin’ there, picturin’ WALL-E rollin’ up to Roxy, holdin’ a lil’ plant, goin’, “Waaaall-eeee?” She’d prolly charge him double—rusty bot discount, my ass. Thing that surprised me? How many ads got sob stories—like, “Single mom, need help.” Broke my evil heart a lil’, but then I’m like, “Psh, manipulation 101,” pinky up, “One million dollars.”

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By now, I’m starving. I hit up this little trattoria on Via Mazzini. The food? OMG. I order pasta, and it’s like a hug in a bowl. I’m slurping it down, and I can’t even. But then, the waiter spills water all over my lap. I’m like, “Really, man?!” But he’s super apologetic, and I can’t stay mad.

The Crash Of The Su-27 Flanker "14 Red" At Salgareda Air Show