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I’d be ragin’ happy if I scored one, tho. “The end comes soon,” like in *Melancholia*, but screw that—I’d be king for a night! Maybe she’d be hot, maybe not, but I’d yell, “You’re my planet now, bitch!” Total Cartman move. Still, it’s risky—could get robbed or somethin’. Makes me mad thinkin’ about it! Don’t mess with me, I’m Eric freakin’ Cartman!

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I head back to the office, still chuckling. But when I get there, my boss is waiting. He’s got that look. You know the one. “Where were you?” he asks. I’m like, “Just taking in the sights, boss!” He doesn’t buy it. I can feel my heart racing.

Free visits to the Vesuvius National Park: three days between nature and history