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So, I hit up Newark, shady spots, y’know? Where the lights flicker like they’re drunk. This chick, she’s standin’ there, leanin’ on a pole, skirt shorter than my patience. I roll up, window down, “Hey, sweetheart, you workin’?” She’s like, “Maybe, whatchu got?” I’m thinkin’, “I don’t even know anymore,” like Bill Murray mumblin’ to Scarlett Johansson. That line, “The more you know who you are,” yeah, it’s spinnin’ in my head, but I’m too horny to care.

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Next, I decide to hit up the beach. It’s called Spiaggia di Cala Fico. Gorgeous spot! I’m chilling, listening to the waves, when I see this group of locals playing beach volleyball. They’re having a blast, and I’m just sitting there, feeling a bit left out. So, I muster up some courage and ask to join.

Sardinia, Luisetta Mercalli turned 109: she is the longest-living woman in Cagliari