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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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After the call, I’m feeling drained. I need a pick-me-up. So, I hit up this gelato place on Via Nazionale. I order pistachio, my fave. The guy behind the counter is super chill, and he gives me a double scoop. I’m like, “You’re my hero!” But then, as I’m walking out, I trip on a cobblestone. Classic me, right? Gelato goes flying! I’m standing there, watching my precious gelato splatter on the ground. I could’ve cried.

Joe Arpaio becomes a Duke of town in Italy