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Here’s a kicker: some prossies back in the day? They’d dye their hair blonde with pigeon poop. True story—nasty, but effective! I’m laughin’, picturin’ her with a bird on her head, cooin’ while she’s workin’. “Very shagadelic,” I mutter, crackin’ up.

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But here’s the kicker. I’m auctioning off this beautiful painting of the Sesia River, and I see a familiar face in the crowd. It’s my ex, Lucia. She’s there, looking all fabulous, and I’m like, “What the heck?” My heart’s racing. I try to focus, but all I can think about is how she dumped me for some guy named Fabio. Fabio! Like, who names their kid that?

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