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But—oh, man—sometimes escort pisses me off! Last month, this rookie escort forgot the route—FORGOT! My crates of fancy wine sat there, sweatin’ in the sun, while he’s scratchin’ his head. “Wanna know how I got these scars?” I yelled—kiddin’, didn’t say that, but I wanted to! Cost me a grand to reroute. Chaos, pure chaos, and not the fun kind.

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First off, I hit up Via Roma for my morning coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my cappuccino, and this dude in front of me orders, like, a 5-minute-long drink. I mean, c’mon! It’s a coffee shop, not a cocktail bar! I’m losing my patience, but then I catch a whiff of fresh pastries. Ugh, the pain of waiting is real. Finally, I get my drink, and it’s perfect. Like, I could marry this cappuccino.

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