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Oi, you bloody donkey! Sex-dating’s a fuckin’ mess, innit? Swipe right, swipe left—idiot sandwich! Everyone’s horny, nobody’s honest. Watched *Toni Erdmann* again last night—fuckin’ masterpiece. That bit where he goes, “Life’s just a click away”? That’s sex-dating, mate! Apps promising pussy or dick, but it’s all fake smiles and ghosting. I’m raging—wankers catfishin’ with pics from 10 years ago! Saw this bloke on Tinder, said he’s 6’2”—turned up, 5’8” max. Lying twat!

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After my epic fail, I wander over to the old town. The narrow streets are so charming, but I get lost. Like, how do you even get lost in a small town? I end up on Via Garibaldi, and I’m just wandering around, looking for a gelato place. Finally find one, and it’s closed! Closed! I’m about to lose it.

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