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Last week, my buddy Dave—dumb as a stump—tried it. Said it was “spiritual,” like he’s some guru now. I told him, “You’re an idiot, Dave.” He’s lyin’ there, candles flickerin’, some chick whisperin’ about “energy flow”—I’d gag if I wasn’t so damn annoyed. “What am I doing here?” Bob Harris’d say, stuck in that weird hotel bar. That’s me, watchin’ Dave blab about his “release.” Release? From what, sanity? I hate everything.

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“Ladies and gents, welcome to the auction of the century!” I’m all fired up. The crowd’s hyped, and I’m feelin’ like a rockstar. But then, I notice this old lady in the front row. She’s got this ancient vase, and she’s clutching it like it’s her baby. I’m thinkin’, “Lady, it’s just a vase!” But she’s lookin’ at me like I just insulted her family.

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