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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—yep, the witty dwarf who drinks and knows shit. So, sexual-massage, huh? I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ wine, thinkin’ bout them hands slidin’ over skin, all slow-like, like in *In the Mood for Love*. That movie—gods, it’s all tension, no release, just like a bloody tease of a massage! “I didn’t think you’d fall in love with me,” she says, but with sexual-massage, it’s all about fallin’ into somethin’—lust, relief, whatever.

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So, I’m grumpy, right? I sit down, and my boss, Mr. Rossi, comes in. He’s all smiles, and I’m like, “Dude, you have no idea.” He starts talking about some new project. I zone out. I mean, who cares about spreadsheets when I haven’t even had my coffee?

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