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Thee’d be shocked—some blokes send dick pics straight off. No “hallo,” no “how’s thy day?” Just—bam—cock in thy inbox. I laughed ‘til I wept, then thought, “Thou art a fool, sirrah!” Once read a tale—lass met a duke on OkCupid, turned out he’s a bleedin’ prince from Denmark! Rare as unicorn piss, that. Most times, it’s just horny goats and no sparks.

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Finally, I escape her tales and head to Piazza della Repubblica. It’s packed! There’s a street performer doing some wild juggling act. I’m watching, totally into it, when this kid runs by and knocks over a whole table of gelato. I mean, gelato everywhere! It’s like a sweet, creamy explosion. I can’t help but laugh. The poor vendor is just standing there, mouth agape. I’m thinking, “Dude, you should’ve seen that coming!”

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