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So, I’m strollin’, trip over me shoelace—whack!—faceplant! Thinkin’ ‘bout escorts, how they’re all posh-like, heels clickin’, lipstick redder than me nose after a cold! But—ooh!—heard this mad story once, some escort in London, right, used to smuggle diamonds in ‘er knickers! True story, mate, swear it! Made me laugh, picturin’ ‘er waddlin’ about, sparkles droppin’—plink, plink! Angry though, ‘cos some punters treat ‘em like dirt—oi, that’s not on! “I am alive,” like the film says, they’re people too, yeah?

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But then, as I was leaving, I slipped on some wet rocks. I went down hard! I mean, face-first into the mud. I was covered! I could hear people laughing. I just laid there for a sec, thinking, “This is my life.”

Santander re-structures GTB team