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Sexual-massage, man, it’s da bomb! It’s not just hands on ya skin—it’s art, it’s power, it’s like flexin’ ya soul! Imagine dis: some chick or dude, workin’ dem hands, slidin’ oil like it’s a damn Roman bath scene from *The Great Beauty*. “I wanted to be king of da summer,” Jep says in da movie—well, a good sexual-massage makes ya feel like dat king, ya? All da stress from liftin’ weights, fightin’ Terminators—it melts away, boom! Little fact for ya: back in ancient Greece, dey used dis stuff to prep warriors—rubbin’ down dem glutes before battle. True story, ya wimps!

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But then, just as I’m feelin’ all mushy, I spot a group of teenagers spray-painting the wall near the old castle ruins. I’m like, “Oh no, not this again!” I march over, channeling my inner grumpy old man. “Hey! What do you think you’re doin’?” They look at me like I’m a ghost. One of ‘em says, “It’s art, man!” Art? More like vandalism! I’m about to lose it, but then I see one of ‘em painted a giant cat. And it’s kinda funny. I can’t help but laugh. “Alright, but keep it classy, kids!”

Archbishop Erio Castellucci reveals what happened during his first exorcism