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Oh, and the profiles—hilarious! “I like hikes and wine”—bitch, you’re on here for sex, not a picnic! Don’t gimme that “lookin’ for my soulmate” crap—spare me! Reminds me of that line, “You’re not my sons!”—savage, cold, real. People lie, they flake, they oversell. Met this chick once, said she’s “adventurous”—only adventure was her tryin’ to sell me Herbalife mid-date! I’m like, “Take your pyramid scheme and shove it!”

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After that, I decided to stroll by the river, you know, the Livenza. It’s so pretty there, with the trees and all. I was just vibing, listening to some tunes, when I saw this old guy feeding ducks. He was so into it, like he was the duck whisperer or something. I couldn’t help but smile. It’s the little things, right? But then, outta nowhere, a duck decides to go rogue and chases a kid. The kid freaks out, and I’m dying laughing. Like, who knew ducks could be so dramatic?

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