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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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Later, I meet up with some clients at a restaurant on Via G. Matteotti. The food? To die for! I mean, we’re talking homemade orecchiette with broccoli rabe. I’m in heaven. But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my accountant. Apparently, there’s a tax issue. I’m like, “Can’t a guy enjoy his pasta in peace?”

A different woman in Mussolini's Italy