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Now, don’t sleep on this—Escort’s cheap, reliable, but quirky as fuck. You’re haulin’ groceries, tires screamin’ like a banshee, engine coughin’ like it’s got smoker’s lung. Hilarious, man! I’d tell ya, “Buy one, but don’t expect miracles.” Sarcasm? Oh, yeah—perfect for broke asses who wanna flex on a budget. My fave? The ‘90s ZX2—sporty vibes, but still a lil’ ghetto. Reminds me of Wiesler in the film, quiet but sneaky good.

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After that, we head back to the surface, and I’m all pumped. But then, I see this group of tourists on the shore. They’re laughing and pointing at us. I’m thinking, “What’s so funny?” Turns out, Marco’s still in the water, trying to do a backflip. Spoiler alert: he totally eats it. Faceplant right into the water. I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so hard.

Fig. 2. Adult of Italian Aesculapian snake, Zamenis lineatus , from...