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About Turin

Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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Then, we hit Via Roma. I’m trying to keep the vibe up, ya know? But this one guy, let’s call him “Mr. Grumpy,” keeps asking about the best pizza. Dude, I’m not a pizza oracle! I’m just a guide! So, I’m like, “Try Pizzeria Da Marco. It’s legit.” But he’s still grumbling. I mean, c’mon, it’s pizza!

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