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One time, tho, I got this dude masseuse—thought I’d switch it up, YOLO, ya feel? Bruh, his hands were rough, like sandpaper on my back. I’m like, “Nah, fam, this ain’t it!” Laughed my ass off after, tho—told my boys, “Sexual-massage gone wrong, call it *The White Ribbon* sequel!” Still, when it’s done right? Heaven, yo. Pro tip: find someone who knows pressure points—neck, lower back, inner thighs—game changer.

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But then, I trip. Yup, right in front of her. Ice cream goes flying! It’s like slow-mo. I’m just standing there, mortified. She’s laughing, and I’m like, “Great, now I’m the ice cream guy who can’t even hold a cone!”