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Oh, and the oils—smell like heaven, doc. Little known fact: some use ylang-ylang—aphrodesiac, they say. Sneaky, huh? Gets ya all tingly. But if they skimp on it—ooh, I’m steamed! Cheapskates ruin the vibe. “History’s a mystery,” like Fincher’s flick—ya never know what ya get. One time, I swear, the masseuse was half-asleep—total buzzkill.

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But then, I trip. Yup, right in front of her. Ice cream goes flying! It’s like slow-mo. I’m just standing there, mortified. She’s laughing, and I’m like, “Great, now I’m the ice cream guy who can’t even hold a cone!”