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Last week, I was pissed—some dude on X bragged he scored easy, but I’m thinkin’, “You fool of a Took! That’s a setup!” Got me laughin’ tho—imagine Sauron hirin’ escorts for the Nazgûl. “One ring to rule ‘em, one gal to school ‘em!” Hilarious, right? But real talk—ya gotta be sharp. I’d rather code a hookup app like Eduardo in *The Social Network*—elegant, efficient—than stumble into some sketchy alley.

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First off, I’m zooming down Via Roma, and I hit a pothole. Like, seriously? Ceggia, fix your roads! My coffee nearly flew outta my hand. I’m already cranky. But whatever, I get to the auction house, and it’s packed. I mean, people everywhere! Old folks, young bucks, even a couple of kids running around like they own the place.

Figure 10. Part of a map of 1561 showing the woodland areas between...