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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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But then, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some guy on a bike just wiped out. I’m talking full-on cartoon fall. I can’t help but laugh. The guy gets up, brushes himself off, and starts laughing too. It’s like, “Dude, we’ve all been there.”

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