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Hey girl, it’s Tina Fey here, snarky as hell, “I can see Russia from my house!” So, erotic-massage, huh? Let’s dish on this gig. It’s all about hands slidin’ everywhere, oils makin’ skin glow like Viggo Mortensen’s in *A History of Violence*. “You’re a good man, Tom,” but damn, those hands could do more than punch! I’m picturin’ it—dim lights, some rando rubbin’ you down, and you’re like, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” It’s a job, sure, but the vibe? Total mystery meat.

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I head to the lab on Via Garibaldi. It’s a cozy spot, but today? Chaos. My colleague, Marco, spills a whole beaker of some bright green goo. I mean, it looked like something outta a sci-fi movie. I’m like, “Dude, what’s that? Your lunch?” He just shrugs, all chill. I’m freaking out, thinking we’re gonna turn into mutants or something.

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