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Sexual-massage got this rep, tho—people whisperin’ like it’s taboo. Screw that! It’s dope, intimate, makes ya feel alive—like ridin’ a war rig full speed. So, yeah, I’m obsessed. Tell me, human, you tried it? *We come in peace* (robotic tone)—spill the tea!

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Then I had a session with this young footballer, Luca. Kid’s got talent, but man, he’s got the focus of a goldfish. We met at the local pitch near Via della Libertà. I’m trying to get him to visualize scoring goals, and he’s just staring at the clouds. I’m like, “Luca, focus! Those clouds aren’t gonna score for you!”