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Oh, and funny story—buddy of mine went to one, thought it was legit, ended up red-faced when she whispered, “Anything else, hon?” He bolted like, “This is the day we get him!”—total rookie move. Cracked me up! So yeah, sexual-massage—shady, sexy, surprisin’—a freakin’ rollercoaster. Dr. Evil approves, baby—pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars!”

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” Everyone starts panicking. I’m trying to herd the kids out, but they’re all like, “Is it a drill?” I’m like, “No, it’s a real-life horror movie!” We finally get outside, and it turns out it was just a malfunction. I’m standing there, heart racing, thinking, “I need a vacation.”

Domestic tragedy in Bovisio Masciago: a murder within the walls of the house