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But here’s what gets me steamed—half these places, total rip-offs! You pay 80 bucks, expectin’ magic fingers, and it’s just some bored dude pokin’ your back like, “Eh, good enough.” I’m yellin’ in my head, “Gimme the quaaludes-level treatment, pal!” And don’t get me started on the “happy ending” rumors—makes me neurotic, I’m sittin’ there, paranoid, “Is this legal? Am I on a list now?” Pretty, pretty good way to ruin a buzz.

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First off, I hit up Via Roma for my morning coffee. You know, the usual spot, Bar Centrale. Best cappuccino in town, no cap. But guess what? They ran outta milk! Like, how do you run outta milk in Italy? I was ready to throw a fit. I mean, c’mon, it’s not rocket science. So, I settled for an espresso. Strong enough to wake the dead.