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And the lies! Oh, the lies! Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’8”—c’mon! I’m short, I own it! Be real! Saw this one profile—guy braggin’ about his “skills.” Skills? Please! Prob’ly lasts two minutes—tops! Hilarious, but sad. And the women—postin’ pics from 2010! I’m like, “Time’s a river, lady—keep up!” That’s straight outta “The Assassin,” y’know—time screws us all. Sex-dating’s no diff’rent.

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I get there, and Yossi’s already ranting about some crazy stuff. Apparently, there’s a new snake spell going around. I’m like, “What? A snake spell? Are we in a Harry Potter movie?” He’s dead serious. Says it’s making people act all weird. I’m like, “Bro, you sure it’s not just the heat?”

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