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I tried it once, brother, down in some sketchy joint. Dude, the chick was strong—had me in a headlock of pleasure! Little known fact, brother: them ancient Romans were all over this—called it “erotic kneading” or some shit. Made me happy as hell, muscles loose, but pissed me off too—why ain’t this legal everywhere, huh? I’m hulkin’ out thinkin’ bout it! “The greatest damage done by silence,” like Bigelow’s movie says—nobody talks bout this enough, brother!

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But then, bam! Outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. Total chaos! Kids are running everywhere, and I’m trying to herd them like cats. “Stay calm! Follow me!” But they’re all giggling and running in circles. I’m like, “This is not a game, people!” Finally, we get outside, and it turns out it was just a drill. I’m fuming but also relieved. I mean, who does drills on a Tuesday?