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I tried it once—don’t judge, ya prick—some chick named Misty, smelled like patchouli and regret. Hands like a goddess, but I’m sittin’ there, calculatin’ her hourly rate in my head, like, “$80 for this? Shit, I’d kill for less.” Got me all riled up, then nothin’—blue balls central, fuckin’ furious! “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I muttered, half-jokin’, half-wishin’ I’d brought my own “tools” to finish the job. Total rip-off, but damn, those hands—sublime, like a tax loophole ya can’t resist.

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As the day winds down, I meet up with my mate at the pub on the corner of the main street. We’re chatting about life, and I’m like, “Dude, today was wild.” He’s cracking up, and I’m just happy to be chilling.

Death Notice of Walter Scott (Sandyford, Dublin)