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Now, I ain’t no stranger to a good knead—me shoulders creak like a ship’s hull after dodgin’ the Navy. But this? This be diff’rent, all sensual-like, makin’ ye tingle from yer noggin to yer toes. Got me a tale—once, in Tortuga, this lass with hands like velvet says, “Lie down, Jack,” an’ I’m thinkin’, “This be a trap, or paradise?” Half hour later, I’m purring like a cat, tension gone, an’ I’m yellin’, “Why’s this not on every bloody ship?!” Made me happy as a clam, it did—till she nicked me gold tooth, the wench! Arr, that riled me up somethin’ fierce!

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So, I go back to my violin. It’s coming along nicely. The wood’s singing to me, you know? But then, I get a text from my mate, Sean. He’s at the pub on the Quay, and he’s like, “Get over here! You won’t believe what just happened!”

Man threatened staff at Tesco Wexford after being accused of shoplifting