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I heard this one story—true stuff, swear it!—back in Japan, old geishas did this secret rubdown for samurais. Not kiddin’! Little known fact: it wasn’t just tea pourin’, they’d sneak in some sensual massage—kept it hush-hush, tho. Made me happy thinkin’ ‘bout history bein’ so spicy! But then—D’oh!—I got mad ‘cause Marge won’t lemme try it. “Homer, you idiot!” she’d say, and I’m like, “Aww, c’mon, it’s research!”

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As soon as I walk in, I see Mrs. O’Reilly. She’s like the library’s unofficial queen. Always has a million questions. Today, she’s on a mission to find a book about gardening. But not just any gardening—she wants to know how to grow tomatoes in winter. I’m like, “Mrs. O’Reilly, it’s Lucan, not the tropics!” But she’s relentless. I swear, she could outlast a zombie apocalypse with her determination.

Death Notice of Veronica (Veron) Dobbs (née Collins) (Lucan, Dublin)