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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as a rabbit on a date, when I spot this foxy chick – legs up to here, mini skirt so short it’s basically a belt. “Groovy, baby!” I yell, but then – bam! – some plonker tries rippin’ me off. Charges me double, says she’s “exotic.” Exotic my arse! She’s from bloody Essex! Got me all steamed up, that did – I’m no mug, yeah? “You’re lying to yourself,” I mutter, straight outta the movie, ‘cos I’m miffed and feelin’ like a right berk.

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So, I’m munching away, feeling good, when I hear this commotion. I look over, and there’s a bunch of kids playing soccer in the street. They’re all yelling and laughing, and I’m like, “Aww, youth!” But then, one of them kicks the ball, and it goes straight into a fountain. Water everywhere! Kids are screaming, and I’m just standing there, laughing my head off. It’s chaos, but it’s beautiful chaos.

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