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I tried it once, ok? Got all excited— “Oh, sweet, hot chick!”—then she ghosted me. Pissed me off so bad, I wanted to scream, “I’m not the man I was!” like Viggo Mortensen. Total bullshit. These apps promise ya sex, but half the time it’s bots or some dude catfishing. Surprised me how many fakes there are—makes ya wonder who’s real. I’m like, “Respect my authoritah, show me real tits or GTFO!”

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After the market, I’m feeling pumped. I head over to the church, and wow, the view from up there is insane! You can see the whole town. I snap a pic for the ‘gram, obviously. But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, seriously? I just got here!