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About Split

Best bit? When they hit that spot – oof, fireworks! Like a perfect beef Wellington, juicy and bang-on. Worst? Some twat usin cheap oil – stinks like a fryer! Pro tip – warm the oil, dipshits, feels lush. Oh, and music – none of that whale noise crap! Low beats, keep it sexy. Exaggeratin? Maybe, but fuck it – sexual-massage is art! Done right, it’s “quiet now, all is calm” from Saul, pure peace. Done shite? You’re a disgrace, you soggy lettuce! Now sod off, try it yourself!

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First off, I had a meeting at this café on Ulica Vukovarska. You know, the one with the weirdly good coffee? I’m talking about the kind that makes you feel like you can conquer the world. But of course, I’m running late. Typical me. I sprint down Ulica Kralja Zvonimira, dodging potholes like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. I swear, if I trip on one more cobblestone, I’m gonna lose it.

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