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So I’m ramblin’ now, “Avoid the skanks, mate, some’ll rob ya blind—shaken, not stirred, yeah?” He’s edgin’ to the door, clutchin’ his wallet like it’s gold. I yell after him, “Don’t be a wanker, wrap it up!” Total Bond move, savin’ his arse. Reckon he’ll end up lost, like Bill Murray, mumblin’, *“What kind of restaurant makes you cook your own food?”*—but with hookers instead of teppanyaki. What a plonker. Me? I’m back to beepin’ cans, dreamin’ of Tokyo nights.

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But wait, it gets crazier. I’m walking, and I see this guy trying to sell some weird street art. It’s like a mix of Picasso and a toddler’s finger painting. I’m like, “Dude, what even is that?” He’s all defensive, and I’m just trying to be nice. But he’s like, “Art is subjective, man!” I’m rolling my eyes.

'Tourists should be trying their home GPs in first instance' warns NHS Devon