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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

L'association

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After a while, I take a break. Grab a sandwich from that little shop on Rue de la Mairie. Best sandwiches ever! I’m munching on my jambon-beurre, and this old lady walks by. She stops and says, “You’re making a mess, young man!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m an abrasive blaster. Mess is my middle name!” She just shakes her head and walks off. Classic Templeuve, right?

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