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Now, listen here, boo, it ain’t just no regular rubdown. Nuh-uh! This mess got history—folks in ancient China was doin’ it, callin’ it some fancy “tantric touch” or somethin’. I’m over here hollerin’, “Tantric? Baby, just knead me good!” Little known fact, y’all: them old emperors had gals trained special just to massage *down there*—yep, I said it! Madea don’t shy from the truth! Halleluyer! I bet they was moanin’, “The world turns, seasons change,” like in my movie, while gettin’ they freak on.

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But then, just as I’m riding that high, my phone buzzes. It’s my sister. She’s in a panic. “The dog’s gone!” she texts. I’m like, “What do you mean gone?” Turns out, her little pup, Biscuit, decided to go on an adventure. I’m freaking out! I can’t focus on work now.

French lorry blocking Devon coast road enrages locals