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But—hah!—sometimes it’s gold. Mate of mine, hairy git, met his wife on OkCupid. Proper shock, that! “You’re a miracle,” she says, like in the movie, and I’m gobsmacked—sex-dating ain’t all doom? Rare, tho. Most times, it’s STD scares or weirdos textin’ dick pics at 3 a.m. Had a laugh once—bloke bragged he shagged 50 birds off Plenty of Fish. Liar! Smelled fishier than his story, precious.

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Then, I decide to head over to the market at Place de la République. It’s buzzing, right? Fresh veggies, flowers, and all that good stuff. I’m wandering around, and I spot this old lady selling the biggest tomatoes I’ve ever seen. I’m talkin’ like, “Are these tomatoes or basketballs?” I had to buy one. It was like 2 euros, and I’m thinking, “What a steal!”