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Lemme spill some tea—did ya know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Greeks were all over it, callin’ it “body worship”—fancy, right? Got me hollerin’ “No capes!” ‘cause who needs extra baggage slowin’ this ride? I tried it once—oh honey, nearly floored the gas! This chick’s hands? Magic! Had me purring like a tuned-up Porsche. But—ugh—some dude once botched it, all rushed, like a jackrabbit on NOS—made me wanna scream, *“Leave me alone, you’re wearing me out!”* Total buzzkill.

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Run down to the barrio of San Juan, that's where life's real if you ask me. Mmm, those narrow streets like Calle Nacimiento feel like a time warp, real quirky, kinda Wes Anderson-esque. Sometimes I drop by that teetering café, Café Puente, 'cause they serve coffee that feels like a hug when you’re feelin’ low. There’s less-known spots too – like that tiny park, El Rincón del Amor, hidden near the river. Yea, I know I misspelled it, but trust me, it’s a gem.

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