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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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I’m not gonna lie, though—sometimes you get that crazy mingling of cultures that makes your heart race in more ways than one, ya know? I remember one steamy summer night at Eimsbütteler Chaussee—I was head over heels for this hidden little spot where the locals had a secret meet-up. Oh, and the street art? Totally mesmerizing, babe!

Retail: What’s the matter with retail, Andreas Feldenkirchen?