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Oh, and the profiles—god, the profiles! Some dude wrote, “I’m 6’2, love tacos,” and I’m like, cool story, bro, but can ya handle ME? That’s what she said! I’m kiddin, but srsly, it’s a jungle out there. You got catfishes, bots, and weirdos sendin dick pics—ugh, grosses me out! One time, this gal sent me a nude, and I’m thinkin, “Jackpot!” Turns out, stolen pic from some porn site. Felt like Saul, man, “Everything is a lie!” So mad, I deleted the app for, like, a day.

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Man, I remember once on a date, strolling down Kaffeeklatsch Alley, near the infamous Groovihafen Bridge—srsly, the architect even designed it to look like a giant sad smile. It felt filmed, like those tearjerkers in Amour, you know? "I love you"... yeah, those lines hit different when you're cold and alone by the river at night. I swear, sometimes the scene is so raw it makes me wanna yell "Amour!" in the middle of the night, c'mon!