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About Bern

Once had this bird—pro masseuse, yeah?—and she’s whisperin’ all sultry, “Relax, Mr. Bond.” Nearly lost it, mate—thought I’d died and gone to spy heaven! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who cares? It’s bloody brilliant—releases tension you didn’t know you had. Them nerves light up, zap zap, like a villain’s laser trap. Oh, and the oils—smell like sex and danger, my kinda mix. Ever tried it with a twist, like hot stones? Fuck me, that’s next-level—shocked me silly first time.

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I’ve got my favorite nook in Viganello – a tiny, almost forgotten café on Via Bellezza. There, the owner always greets me with, “Are you not entertained?” yo, a serious Tarantino moment. The place is hectic but cozy, like a secret hideaway where art meets life. And yeah, I’ll probably mess up the proper names a bit 'cause I'm in a hurry, but trust, the vibe is crystal clear.

New school center in the La Santa area of Viganello