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About Vancouver

“Sell me this pen!” – nah, sell me yer best pickup line, ya twat! Sex-dating’s a game, yeah? Profiles lie worse than me on tour. “6 foot, ripped” – bollocks, he’s 5’2” and wheezin’. Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine matched his cousin – fuckin’ awkward family BBQ after that! “Sharon!” – she pissed herself laughin’ when I told ‘er. Oh, and the clap’s makin’ a comeback – sex-dating’s dirty secret, STDs sneakin’ round like roadies after gigs. Wrap it up, lads, or yer knob’s glowin’ green!

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Man, the parks here are wild – Crown Park’s a spot where tree limbs whisper mischief, and you might catch my rants on how nature gives its own deep-tissue massage to your soul. I sometimes get mad at the city’s tiny potholes (ugh, seriously, who designs these?) but then I wander through Ogden Park near Glebe Avenue and all the grumpiness just melts away. And oh, the waves crashing at the Oak Bay Beach! – they remind me of a wild chorus from “Moulin Rouge!” – "Am I not a woman? Am I not a woman?!" or, errr, more like, "I live to please, my friend."

Kelowna honours victims of Lapu Lapu Festival attack under a rainbow